A Substacker Made $1 Billion on Shark Tank!!! 🤑
He deserves a Cuban!
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Substacker Esoteric Eric was just on Shark Tank! In front of a panel of entrepreneurs he tried to convince them to buy into his company. The panel consisted of Mark Cuban, Kevin O’Leary (aka Mr. Wonderful), Lori Greiner, Barbara Corcoran, and Daymond (Damien) John. Here’s the transcript:
Eric: “Hi Sharks! I have the investment opportunity of a lifetime! I’m currently asking for $1 billion for a 10% stake in my Substack newsletter.
Have you ever wondered what I’m thinking throughout the day? Like what books I’ve read? Or how much smarter I am than billionaires??? Then my stack is for you!
The market for people who can read English is huge! It’s 1.4 billion people! If I just capture 10% as paid subscribers then I’ll pull in $700 million a month!!!
You might ask yourself what sets me apart? Well last time I checked, ain’t nobody like me but me!!! I’ve got the prose to bring in the dough baby!!!
So who wants to join the exciting Esoteric Eric experience???”
Mr. Wonderful: “Yeah that’s great Eric! You’re a special snowflake and all, but if you don’t have the clout then I’m out. What’s your numbers?”
Eric: “In the 2 months that my Substack has existed, I’ve gained an infinite percentage of subscribers.”
Mr. Wonderful: “WHAT? Be specific. How much has your paid sub count increased?”
Barbara: “Sorry! I’d like to interrupt! I’d just like to say that your Substack seems great but I don’t like your face and kinda hate you as a person on the inside and outside. Your face specifically looks very untrustworthy so I’m out.”
Eric: “Uh wow! Ok. Uh, thanks Barbara! Mr. Wonderful, my paid subscribers increased from 0 to 1 when my mom bought one.”
Mr. Wonderful: “Seriously??? Listen your financials are terrible. I suggest you find a mousetrap and stick your hand in it because that’s the only way you’re gonna get any cheddar.”
Mark Cuban: “Easy there Kevin! Hey Eric! Is there any AI or tech used in your articles?”
Eric: “Yes. I have ChatGPT write all my articles.”
Mark: “I’M IN!!! HAHA!!! I KNEW YOU WERE A GENIUS!!! SLAM DUNK FOR CUBAN!!! IN YOUR FACE LORI!!!”
Lori: “YOU’RE NEVER GONNA BE ON QVC!!!”
Damien: “I make clothes.”
So…
What would you sell your Substack for?
What Substack would you invest in?
Honorary Muses!
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"Have you ever wondered what I’m thinking throughout the day? Like what books I’ve read? Or how much smarter I am than billionaires??? Then my stack is for you!" Brutal, lol.
This reads like an actual episode transcript.